I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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