My liver just broke up with me...
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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