It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
