I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Randomize
