Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
