She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize