u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
