You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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