My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
