started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
