I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
