my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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