im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
