what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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