Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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