Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize