My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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