PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize