I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
