Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
