if i can run in heels then i can drive
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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