He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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