Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Drunk is not a location!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
