i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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