Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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