I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
