at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She said her name was "party"
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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