you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
