i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
