my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
