I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
