Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
