Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
