the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
