I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize