The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
