that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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