so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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