Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
