Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
