After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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