the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
