I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
