Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
