My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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