i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
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