genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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