Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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