I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
