I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
