Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
