woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My bed smells like the plague
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
