you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
