So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
