i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize