i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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