my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
