this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
