Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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