yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
