Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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