glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
