you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
